DEATH!

Dear Death --

I'm very close with my daughter who lives here in Heaven.   Just recently, she has gotten involved in a long distance relationship with a guy from Hell, and it's creating a lot of friction between the two of us.  I don't know what the guy did on Earth, but there are rumors that, among other things, he may have tried to make a puppy smoke a cigarette.  My daughter insists that he's changed and "paid his dues," but I am just not convinced.

Anyway, last week I went with her to visit him at his apartment in Hades, and lying next to his bed, I noticed a flesh eating demon's bra and panties.  How do I begin to break this to my daughter?  Please help, thanks.

"Own Private Hell"

West Heaven

Dear "Own Private Hell"  --

This is a wonderful question to ask the wise angel Issaac Van Norton, who solves people's problems in his acclaimed weekly Afterlife Gazette advice column: "Dear Wise Angel Issaac Van Norton."  I personally would be careful about telling her something she does not want to hear, as I have repeatedly seen a phenomenon called "killing the messenger." If your daughter is searching for true love, I know a lot of souls who had luck with "Cloud Nine Cyber Dating" -- though I've heard a few negative stories about people on the site lying about how many years they've been dead for, and also posting old pictures of themselves from previous incarnations.